Maybe a Breakthrough?

Well the dreaded doctors appointment turned out to actually be the best one to date. All due to a medical student. Thankfully someone with fresh eyes and an actual give-a-shit attitude most doctors seem to lack over time was here to consult with me. I asked for my GI referral like I had planned with myself and my therapist. But the problem is, intestinal issues are really hard to test for and pinpoint, especially my overwhelming nausea. Both my doctor and the medical student said that it wouldn’t really be worth it to go see a specialist because they would say the same. From here, we went to the possibility that the nerves in my stomach were overworking and sending more pain receptors than needed, an antidepressant can target the spinal nerve endings for that. I said no. bUt wHY dId yOu dO tHaT? Because with past experience with antidepressants, I hate the shell of a person that I become. I have no emotion and am barely mentally present. No go and not a fan of the symptoms either.

Next we went to a very probable theory that my stomach wasn’t fully emptying. With the symptoms that I had: no appetite, nausea after eating, and not really hungry in general. With all of that said, ya girl gained 1 single pound in like 2 months so that shows everyone who was concerned about my weight! Also the amount of times the doctor and medical student told me they weren’t worried about me, they just want to help my nausea which, again, is really hard to pinpoint. That was such a relief because for once I didn’t feel insane. I felt heard by my medical providers and not once did the medical student even ask about my period or pregnancy assumptions!

I had my therapy appointment scheduled right after my doctors appointment and honestly it went really well. I don’t cry as much as I used to in therapy and when I do, it tends to be pretty rare. Last week I just weeped for an hour. This week I had a lot of breakthroughs and revelations. I’ve told everyone that 2020 is not a year to mess with me and I truly meant it. From all of this isolation and sickness you would expect me to be extremely depressed and in a very dangerous place, but in reality I have grown so much more from being able to reflect on my thoughts.

I see life a lot differently now so pushing out that negativity and loud voice in my head is so much easier now. I’ve finally been able to accept that all of the shitty things I’ve been forced into or had to deal with weren’t my doing. Not all of those things were my fault. I do take accountability for what is my wrongdoing, of course, but 5th grade me is where my identity was concreted in for everyone in school. My school counselor told me the bullying and the name-blaming was MY fault and that I had to apologize to them because “They aren’t going to and it really is your fault all of this happened.” Like what kind of person says that to a 11 year old?? Ever since then, any bad thing that happened or mistreatment from other people, I justified that it was my fault- somehow I had messed it up and I was the one who deserved to be sorry. Since then people have played me like a fiddle, and I have dropped everything for the people who have ever been close to me. I trained myself to wake up to any phone call no matter what the hour was, and I did it. I was there for anyone, no matter the consequence. That empathy is my biggest strength and also my greatest weakness.

But this week I realized I need to treat myself better on all of the fronts. Find some kind of self love, cut the horrific toxicity out of my life like what? 3 years ago? Yeah, something like that, and just focus on finally being able to fully be myself without the eyes of 350 other people on you 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I’ve finally realized that I can set myself free of those burdens and finally lift the weights off of my conscious.

I know it will say I posted this on February 6th and not February 5th, but it’s late and I took a really refreshing nap today, so I’m proud that I at least got close. Talk to you later tomorrow/today.