Another Week, Still No Change

I have got to be one of the least accountable bloggers for someone who is just starting out. But the problem with blogging every day to every 3 days is hard when there is nothing changing with my symptoms.

In the last 6 days I have felt the same almost everyday. But I am also in preparation to move apartments so I’ve put my health on the backburner once again. For the last 3 days I have completely thrown myself into preparing the new space, that I have been completely disregarding my own health. I didn’t really realize how hard I was pushing myself to finish all of the things I need to do until I woke up this morning and felt like 6 trains hit me all at once.

I hadn’t even done that much, or so I thought. But after painting a whole wall, replacing 8 awful light bulbs, and cutting new light covers just to break one of them I needed, it all came crashing down on me. Reminding me that I am still sick. That my body will not do the things I want to do. Reminding me that for the last 6 months I have been absolutely useless to the world because I can’t even do what I think are simple tasks. So many people ask me if I can do something for even an hour, and I want to say with confidence, “Yes!” But truly I cannot without feeling insane nausea. The amount of breaks I have to take in between one job to the next within an hour is stupid high.

It definitely doesn’t help that the chronic joint pain living so happily in my left hip will not go away or lessen no matter how long I have eaten gluten free. (I’m at 4 months of a successful GF diet) So on top of the endless nausea that will never subside, the chronic joint pain is what adds the most frustration to my life. I sleep like shit because of an inflamed Bursa Sac and jacked up SI joint. This makes sleeping on my left side and back nearly impossible due to uncomfort. You don’t realize that you never get off of your hips until a chronic pain in them can never be relieved because you are always on your hips. Standing, sitting, and sleeping, all of your weight hangs out on them.

So for the last 6 days I’ve just been so frustrated and entirely too exhausted to function. Pretty horrible nausea and excruciating hip pain that only seems to increase each day that I am alive. Just existing hurts me. “So Em, why don’t you stretch?” “Why don’t you work out?” “A. B. C. could help if you just do it.” Tell me, would you want to go work out if you felt like you could vomit at literally any second? How about trying to do a workout with so much joint pain you don’t even have a real range of motion anymore? And I do stretch. I am constantly stretching and doing light yoga poses to try and bring some kind of relief to the pain. At this moment in time, I am doing almost everything I know how to for both my hip and my nausea. I’ve spent 14 weeks total in Physical Therapy for my joints, so I’m well versed in the exercises I need to do. I have spent weeks researching different remedies for nausea and I have tried them all to no avail.

If I hear one more goddamn person tell me I am not doing enough to help myself, I might snap. I am doing everything I can that is in my power. And now I just wait for March 24th to come to see if I can get real answers from a specialist.

There is always tomorrow I guess.

Em