There has been so many days lately where I am just completely and utterly worn out. I know it’s because I have been pushing myself past my limit almost every single day for the last 3 weeks trying to get my new apartment prepared. I have only a week until I really want to be out of my current apartment and I’ve been so stressed out trying to make that happen.
Stress. That seems to be my entire life lately. Where no matter what it is, I seem to stress myself out about it more than I should. But moving apartments will never stop being a stressful thing. Especially with two cats with very different personalities who are reacting in very different ways to the move, which is stressful for them as well. With this, I think I cross contaminated myself the other day trying once again to eat a gluten free pasta. Barilla, I had higher hopes for you than the stomach gurgling and diarrhea. So this last week has been really difficult.
My irritability has been at an absolute high, and I know I’m testing my boyfriend at every moment so it seems. I’m not sure exactly why things have been so much harder lately than it has in the weeks previous, but everything is catching up with me all at once. Each day getting stuff moved and more prepared seems to take every bit of energy I have left and yet I don’t stop. I’m in such a weird mental place of being so fed up and frustrated by my disease, that I’ve just stopped acknowledging it. It’s so dangerous for the mental part of battling Celiacs. I haven’t ignored the actual parts of it like the gluten free diet, but mentally I just wish I could pack it away in a box and feel normal once again. So I’ve allowed myself to just be consumed with moving just to feel some kind of normality again.
Being that consumed has taken its toll. My joints are screaming with every step and yet I ignore it. The nausea is beyond overwhelming, but I just pretend like feeling that way is 100% and completely normal when it definitely is not. So really I’m just exhausted in every way imaginable. Ways I didn’t even know I could be exhausted anymore, but I can’t stop and let myself heal until this move is over. What a shitty mindset right? I know. But I can’t stop myself when there are deadlines. Like I said in my first ever blog post, I am accountable and I do what I have to do when it has to be done no matter what. And that mindset is probably what gets me in trouble most of the time, and I need to listen to my body, but my brain won’t let me stop.
I want to get better. I want to rest. I want to feel normal again. I have waited for nearly 5 months to get to that point and it hasn’t come. So here I am pushing myself so hard to get that outcome, but it’s only hurting me worse. Does it count that I’m at least self aware about it? Hahahaha, probably not. I know this funk will go away once I move, but I wish mentally and emotionally I could listen to the physical more without letting that inner voice get to me.
Luckily it’s March 1st and that means only 23 days until answers could be had. Soon I know things will get better and the stress will subside, but right now I am just exhausted in every single way.
Once again I look to tomorrow for hope and better days. I hope things are well for everyone else because this world has been absolutely brutal and full of despair lately, so we can all look forward to tomorrow hoping something will be better.
Em
The Days in the Life of a Young Celiac 