Disappointment and More Waiting

Yesterday was March 24th. The day when my Gastrointestinal appointment was. The single day of March that I was looking forward to for a month and a half. Then it all got taken away with one phone call.

I got a call from the hospital two hours away, letting me know my appointment was cancelled indefinitely for COVID-19. My heart is with every family and person affected by this horrible virus, but all I could feel after that phone call was disappointment.

How selfish of me to be disappointed that I can’t go to my appointment in the middle of a global pandemic. But my therapist validated that feeling. I was allowed to feel that way because it was the last bit of hope I had and was holding onto for months now. Something so small as a doctors appointment was something that was helping me move forward every single day. Now that is gone. The worst of it is just wondering when this horrible virus will subside so I can have some kind of hope to get better with a new appointment.

All I wanted was answers. Was that so much to ask for? It’s like the universe is always laughing at me. I get close and think a breakthrough is coming, and everything just falls down around me. So I sit in my self isolated state for more months on end and hope things will resolve itself. Although I know that won’t happen, my hope is running out for doctors to fix me. It could be even more months of waiting and that part of my patience is so so thin at this point.

So each day I struggle through more sickness, nausea, joint pain, and the rare vomiting. And each day those things start to outweigh my hope. But how in the hell are you supposed to have hope in a world where everything seems to be falling apart more and more with each minute?

The struggles will worsen when the gluten-free foods continue to deplete due to people who don’t have an allergy or intolerance buying all of it as an alternative. For Celiacs and people with gluten intolerance, we don’t have a god damn choice! I got the last box of so many gluten-free items at my local grocery store, and they have no clue when more of them will come in. You can barely find normal foods online, nonetheless gluten-free. I know a lot of people who are buying gluten-free flour instead of regular because there isn’t regular flour. I get it, but they don’t understand the people they are hurting.

I am hurting in so many ways, but I can’t imagine living in a place with absolutely nothing in the stores and barely enough to eat stocked up. I’ve been trying to help as many people as I can from afar, but I don’t have the means to help others along with myself. This world is testing all of us in ways we can’t even imagine, so with the little bit of hope I have left, it is put in the good people. Look for the helpers in the world, because right now we all need to help and love each other as much as we can muster. We must keep trying and keep refusing to give up.

So spread love, kindness, and as much hope as you have left. Hope that tomorrow will be better. If it’s not tomorrow, it’s the next day, if not then, next month.

But do not give up hope. That’s all I can tell myself, so that’s what we all should be telling ourselves.

Until tomorrow.

Em